I am sorry I couldn’t be something you wanted. When we met, I had not known that people could break hearts and so I was a vase that budded flowers each day. Maybe when you smiled, the sunshine helped bloom these flowers. As I grew up, I broke, I didn’t have the strength to hold the flowers and let the still water sit. It started with a small crack, I thought I could heal it but I couldn’t, and as much as I masked it, the truth started becoming uglier, the colours that were bright once started fainting and then there I was becoming a piece of sand that cloud fly away and nobody would notice.
You saw me when I was vibrant as a rainbow but then the clouds overpowered and I became one of them. Fetching water and darkening the skies only to pour over others, some could hold me some despised. But, you were always the sunshine for everyone but when I tried to come closer and touch, I was left with a mark that couldn’t be wiped off.
You could look at me, smile, and walk away but the pang that stays in my stomach. The words you said still whirlpool in my brain and every now and then I find myself waking up in different corners of my house, not knowing when I fainted and which of the memories held me down.
If I could wind myself back into the past, I’d erase my memories so that I’d never known you. Now that I’m here, standing at the horizon where everything seems close and yet far away, I do not understand if I would want to see the dawn which makes you shine through the world. Maybe, as I am the wind, I could float away from you but your mere existence reminds me of the form I had once and the one I’ve become right now.
Oh, how I was to intertwine with roots to fall back into a sleep of longing, wishing that all this was a dream and waking up to a belonging.
– chai as a rainbow
Musing Of Souls 