trigger warning: disability mentions
A year ago, my mother went for a checkup in hospital and then was hospitalized for a whole month. She got a surgery for uterus removal and was diagnosed with chronic kidney diseases.
Skip to six months later, she was hospitalized again due to high infection in her body and the day we were going to return, she suffered through a minor heart attack, following which we decided to start dialysis for her.
This didn’t stop the pain for her, this same time, as dialysis progressed we thought things would become easy for her but they didn’t. The blood flow to her fingers in hand stopped, and her fingers couldn’t work anymore. Sometime during end of December (two days ago from Christmas) we took her to hospital and her fingers and palm were amputed.
I sit here not to grieve but to tell the world that my mother is a fighter but she’s tired a bit but I know that she’ll be better soon, I’m only wishing and hoping that things grow positively for mum in upcoming year, I love her and I always will.
Today as we bring her home, the medicines are so heavy and the shock of losing a hand on the internal mechanism that she responds late to everything, or she doesn’t. I miss food of her hand which I haven’t had a chance to taste for more than two years now and I miss that smile and her taunts and her anger.
Here’s a little something I wrote as I sat down today 🙂
conversations with my mum//
she tells me
“we’ll get you married soon”
I throw a hmph – loud cry
she laughs and continues
doing her house chores
I see in her eyes the laughter
But I also see the worry
because I always say
“I never want to get married”
she tells me
“go out make your career”
with pain gushing
through the insides of her body
I see in her eyes hope
that I’ll make her proud
I see in her eyes the pain
she keeps hiding, the suffering
she says she doesn’t want to stay here longer
I say – “well I’ll take you out of country with me”
she tells me
“no I won’t, stay away”
with a heavy mind of medicines
she doesn’t realize what I’m doing
her worst cut through
I hold her face, she doesn’t look me in the face
I see in her eyes the strength to keep up
I see in her eyes the loss of permanence
I see that hope slipping away
I’m trying to cage it, lock it and throw the key away.
Musing Of Souls 